Happy New Year, everyone! I hope this finds you all well!
I, for one, am glad that 2013 is gone! I've had such a shitty year that I want to forget it altogether... But I've been pulling myself out of the mire, so it's still got it's claws on me for now.
I hate to complain -- especially to strangers -- but I've convinced myself I need to be more honest and open, more forthcoming; damn the consequences. That means throwing caution to the wind and stepping out of the shadows that I like to hide in. (That's one of my problems.) It's uncomfortable for me to write this, and probably moreso for anyone to read, but it's something I need to do. I might actually get some unexpected help from it (but I doubt it).
You see, I need to make a change. It's been culminating for months and the new year has given me a chance to take action. So, what's bothering me? (I expect people to laugh at this
) I believe I've been suffering through some form of existential crisis.
Yeah, I know... You can leave now, if you want.
Usually, it's a case with how a person deals with their own mortality. The funny part is: I've already dealt with that. I've made arrangements for cryonic suspension upon my death. [Cryonics? Read this.
Done.] I think my problem lies with what I want to do with the rest of my life, what I want for myself, and how others see me.
Sad thing is, an existential crisis is a one-man-war, so to speak. Others might help me with a few minor points, but for the most part I'll be fighting this battle alone. And I haven't been able to confide in anyone until now because of an issue with trust (and secrets). It's been gnawing at me for some time now... orz
I'm not a whiny person, and I never ask for any kind of help unless I'm at my wits end, so by openly admitting this it shows how big a deal it is for me. It shows how big of a problem it is right now. But I'm optimistic about overcoming this and growing into a more whole individual because of it. I just hope it doesn't drag on like it has been -- it's affected my life in too many negative ways this past year. That's why I'm glad it's gone. Let's bury 2013. Bury it deep.
Let me make something clear: I'm not asking for anyone's help, I just need to get it out in the open so it stops festering inside me.
On a side note (not really), I've had this yearning to get back into art as part of my healing process. I've badly wanted to most of this last year, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything. I might be, or might have been, suffering from a mild (or almost) depression.
There are many things I'm interested in, but I need to just pick one to focus on. I need focus right now, more than anything, because my mind shoots all over the place at the moment. But I don't know what I'll do yet. Painting? Photography? Fractals? Who knows, but I'm going to pick something very soon. I need something that I can lose myself in.
Then I'll have to make something happen. For my own sake; for my sanity.
And for anyone that actually read all this: thank you. I know you didn't have to take the time, but it's nice to know that someone did.